Reasons to Ban This Book!

It's Banned Books Week, and the Internet has a good number of lists outlining the reasons why so many classic books have been banned over the ages.

A few noted examples here:
12 Crazy Reasons Why Books Have Been Banned

15 Classic Children's Books That Have Been Banned in America


In order to protect the fragile minds of your children, here are several reasons why you should encourage your schools and libraries to ban my book...before it's even published!

- Encourages belief in gnomes and is insulting to real-life manufacturers of dairy products. 

- Encourages sympathy for cranky monkeys and fear of cats. 

- Trees don't really talk. 

- Kids will have nightmares about people and creatures with frightening faces, dark knights, trolls, towel monsters, witches in their attics, and a little man with red teeth. 

- May inspire a sense of wonder and more time outdoors, exposing yourself to harmful UV rays from the sun and loss of revenue to those who build electronic devices. 

- Poetry is not practical. 

Write to someone and stop me before it's too late!